Episode 5: “Scared of Stick, But I Think She’ll Be OK”

Wow, this blog post is late! I apologize to my legions of dedicated followers. Ahem.

Christie and Jodi are the first to hit the road this episode at 12:34 p.m. They open the clue and discover that their next destination is beautiful Novosibirsk, where they will need to find the Puknte Technicheskovo Kontrolya. But first, need to get tickets on the Trans-Siberian Railway. Kisha and Jen are hot on their heels.

When they get to the train station, they find out that the next train leaves at 10:26 p.m., which means that all the teams have lots of time to make it to the station, which means a level playing field again.

On the train Mike talks with Margie and Luke. He gives Luke some props for using the Blind U-Turn on Amanda and Kris last episode. “I’ll just keep limping so he doesn’t U-Turn me,” Mike says. Heh.

The train arrives and Kisha and Jen are the first team off. They promptly blow this lead, however, by heading left while everyone else goes right. D’oh!

“I’m extremely frustrated because our strategy should definitely be to follow the pack,” Jen snipes.

Margie and Luke and Jaime and Cara are first at the Detour, which is “Russian Bride” or “Russian Snowplow.”

For Bride, teams must find a Russian bride in an apartment bloc and then drive her across town to her waiting groom at a church and get their picture taken to receive the next clue. For Snowplow, teams have to go to a stadium and… drive a snowplow.

Here’s where strategy comes in: Bride is superficially the easier task, but teams willing to suck it up and drive a massive snowplow could eek out a lead. Then again, the brides are all pretty cute, but then again, the world is full of beautiful women and beside, these ladies are all spoken for, so if I wasn’t prohibited from participating on TAR by the fact that I work at a CBS affiliate, I would probably do Snowplow.

Still working together, Margie and Luke and Cara and Jaime go for the snowplow task. I think if Margie and Luke said, “Let’s ignore the Detour and set ourselves on fire,” Jaime and Cara would, as well. Just saying.

Meanwhile, Tammy and Victor catch up with the Fantastic Four and offer to work with them. All goes well until Tammy and Victor pull away, so now Jaime and Cara are hating on Tammy and Victor. Whatever.

Back at the Detour, Mel and Mike decide to do (oh, stop) the Russian brides.

Back at Snowplow Central, the three teams finish up and are delighted to learn that the next destination is Gosudarstvennaya Publichn… uh, the largest library in Siberia.

Meanwhile, Christie and Jodi get lost on the way to get their Russian bride. They ask some locals for directions, Unfirtunately, the locals are not quite sober. “That guy touched my butt and asked me my name,” huffs Christie. The nerve!

After they find the bride, they take her to the wrong church.

Kisha and Jen aren’t doing much better. Jen has trouble driving the provided car, and the streets are icy. “Shifting into gear is quite complicated,” Jen says.

Meanwhile, at the front of the pack (yeah, I said it), teams arrive at the library… and the Roadblock. In it, one team member has to run 1.4 miles across town to the Pit Stop, which is at the Novosibirsk Ballet * Opera Theater. Oh, did I mention the run must be made in their underwear? Gadzooks! (For emphasis, we even get a shot of Phil in his drawers – oh, the humanity.)

And they’re off. Luke strips down for his team, Tammy (yes!) runs for her team, and Cara bites the bullet for “Team Redhead.” In an interesting strategic move, Cara walks much of the route, so Tammy passes her.

Jen runs to the Pit Stop in borrowed underwears.

 

Luke and Margie are the first team to arrive, followed by Tammy and Victor and then Jaime and Cara.

Mike runs for Mel (duh), while Mark runs for his team, and they finish fourth and fifth.

So it’s a literal race between Kisha and Jen. Interestingly enough, Jen says she doesn’t wear underwear, so some is provided. Christie, meanwhile, is wearing a thong, which has to be blurred. Spicy!

 

Tammy does the Road Block.

Jen beats Christie, meaning Jodi and Christie are the last team to arrive… BUT WAIT!

Jodi and Christie are NOT eliminated. Next episode, they will have an extra task that they and only they must complete. In TAR parlance, this is called a Speed Bump. Ay dios mio!

Next week: Speed Bump, OMG.

 

 

Episode 4: “It Was Like a Caravan of Idiots”

We open with Luke saying that he would do anything to win $1 million, although he actually signs it. My pal Meredith says the gesture for “$1 million” should be a pinky to the corner of the lips, a la Dr. Evil, and I concur.

But enough japery, there’s a race around the world underway! Mel and Mike depart at 10:49 p.m., and they’re off to Krasnoyarsk in beautiful Siberia. I love it when TAR takes its contestants to off-the-beaten-path locales.

Kris and Amanda, or as Phil says, “Amander,” depart next. Kris confidently states that their youth will help them win the race. SPOLIER: Tee hee.

Local faves Kisha and Jen are next to go. “My ass hurts,” Jen says, keeping it classy.

All teams leave, as they do. Weirdest moment: Mark and Michael use their cabbie’s phone to call the airport, but get Jaime and Cara instead. Jaime (or is it Cara?) pretends she’s a Lufthansa agent but eventually hangs up on Mel (or is it Michael?).

All teams book flights, but the clue stipulates they must all route through Moscow. Eventually, they all end up in Siberia, where they’re supposed to go to the massive Krasnoyarsk hydroelectric dam, which is pictured on the back of the 10-ruble note.

As luck would have it, the dam doesn’t open till 8:30 a.m. This is how the producers keep the race close; IIRC, during the first season, the eventual winners managed to build a substantial lead – like, six or seven hours – over the other teams. By imposing “operating hours,” the teams can close insurmountable gaps, but at the same time, this penalizes teams who are in the lead.

I’ve watched TAR since its inception, and I’m still not sure if I like it or not, but it ain’t going anywhere.

At 8:30, the dam opens and the teams race to the clue box, which sends them to the Church of St. Innokenty for the next clue, which is this episode’s Detour. They can either stack wood or build shutters. Most teams try to stack wood.

“It’s like Jenga,” says Kisha, who is in second place with Jen, but the piles aren’t very sturdy, and several of them fall to comedic effect. However, Kisha and Jen complete their stack with no mishaps and receive the next clue. They’re in first place, y’all! Louisville represent!

And this is where Phil pops up to explain a new wrinkle to TAR: The Blind U-Turn. In previous seasons, they used a U-Turn, wherein one team could make another team turn around and complete the second task of a Detour. However, teams using the U-Turn had to identify themselves as the ones who are actively messing with you. But now with the Blind U-Turn, teams can U-Turn other teams anonymously. Sneaky!

Kisha and Jen decline to deploy the Blind U-Turn, and they’re off to Bobrovy Log Park to get the next clue… …and a Road Block. Basically they have to ride a little bobsled around a track and memorize letters. The letters will spell the name of a “famous Russian author.” Sounds like fun. (SPOILER: It’s Chekhov.)

Back at the woodpiles, Margie and Luke finish stacking, and when they get to the Blind U-Turn, they use it on Amanda and Kris. Ruh-roh!

Kisha and Jen finish the road block first and head to the Pit Stop, located at the Theater of Musical Comedy. Christie and Jodi are hot on their heels.

Meanwhile, the teams messing with the shutters (including Amanda and Kris) work together. Meanwhile meanwhile, Kisha and Jen blow their lead, so Christie and Jodi are the first team to arrive at the Pit Stop. Kisha and Jen are mere seconds behind, and this is their strongest finish yet.

Luke has no idea who Chekhov is. He struggles to finish the puzzle, but it’s edited to make it look as if he flouders around for an hour, when it actually only takes him six attempts, so we’re talking maybe 10 minutes at the maximum. Still, Luke is awfully agitated. Settle down, Stress Lad.

The shutter contingency finish, and that’s when Amanda and Kris discover they’re been U-Turned. They find this “shady.” And while Luke and Margie really had no reason to deploy this move, it is not shady — it’s perfectly within the rules of TAR. Shady would be if, say, Luke and Margie had broken Kris’s kneecap with a crowbar, or bribed their cab driver to drop them off in a forest somewhere.

Regardless, Amanda and Kris are the last team to arrive at the Pit Stop and they are indeed eliminated. Don’t worry, they still love each other!

Episode 3: “I’m Not Wearing That Girl’s Leotard!”

Hi y’all. Sorry for the delay.

We begin in Salzburg, Austria. Tammy and Victor are the first to depart. They leave at 10:13 a.m. Destination: Munich, and from there, they’ll travel an additional 700 miles to Bucharest, Romania. Tammy praises Victor’s reasoning and decision-making abilities. This is what TV professionals call “foreshadowing.”

The other teams depart, including Kisha and Jen, who leave seventh. Jen says that they need better communication. Gee, you think?

Brad, of Brad and Victoria fame, reveals that he is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic who has been sober for 25 years. How about that?

Most teams are trying to get on a Lufthansa flight to Romania; Brad and Victoria get on a KLF flight to Amsterdam, which is a truly amazing city. I love it, and were I on TAR, I might try to route a flight through there just to go back, but Brad and Victoria are trying to get ahead. Key word? “Trying.” SPOILER: This is where they get screwed.

Elsewhere, Tammy and Victor’s plane has a mechanical error and they must return to Munich. More foreshadowing.

In Bucharest, the teams must head to a gym for this episode’s Road Block, which is gymnastics themed. Participants have to perform a series of moves under the watchful eye of a gymnastics coach, and those eastern Europeans know a thing or two about gymnastics. Participants also have to wear leotards, which proves to be both ghastly (Mike) and strangely alluring (Amanda, Tammy).

So they tumble and twirl with varying degrees of clumsiness. We also see, thanks to the leotard, that Kisha has an elaborate tattoo on her back.

After gymnastics, the teams must venture to Brasov, Transylvania for the next clue.

So anyway, this episode is a great illustration of one of TAR‘s interesting aspects, namely, when unforeseen circumstances such as mechanical problems and flight delays rear their ugly heads, the players have to adapt and overcome. The producers do not charter private jets so everybody can stay caught up. It adds a level of unpredictability to the game as well as an element of realism, because when you travel, especially internationally, you can and occasionally will encounter the same problems. Of course, the average tourist isn’t being followed by a camera crew, being made to participate in humiliating tasks or competeing for $1 million, but still.

So remember how Tammy and Victor had to return to the airport? After that snafu, they just can’t get their TAR mojo back. A little bad luck combined with a series of bad decisions makes for a mighty challeneging leg.

So: Transylvania, and a Detour. Gypsy Moves or Vampire Remains. In Gypsy Moves, the teams have to help some gypsies haul a bunch of stuff that looks like it was pulled from a salvage yard. In Vampire Remains, they have to climb a mountain, drag a chained-shut coffin downhill, open it up with a series of keys, then impale a bunch of little frames filled with fake — at least, I hope it’s fake — blood until they find a flag, which they will present to a guy in a hooded robe to receive the next clue. Yes, it’s one of those needlessly complicated TAR tasks that can either be a breeze or a pain in the you-know-what.

Regardless of choice, all the teams perform their tasks adequately… EXCPET Tammy and Victor, who arrive at Vampire Remains and immediately follow a marked path up the side of the mountain. Trouble is, it’s the WRONG marked path. Tammy seems to sense this almost immediately, but Victor — you know, the guy with great reasoning and decision-making skills — blithely assures her that he knows what he’s doing. Oh, Victor.

Meanwhile, Mel and Mike, who did Gypsy Moves with relative ease, are the first to arrive at the Pit Stop. Can I just say that I love Mel? He seems to be in the race for all the right reasons: He wants to spend time with his son, he wants to see the world and he wants to have fun.

Amanda and Kris arrive shortly thereafter and are Team No. 2. They did Gypsy Moves as well.

Tammy and Victor? Still trudging up the hill. Victor begins to sense that he’s messed up, but because he’s the kind of person who doesn’t like to admit he’s made a mistake insists that they keep on climbing. This will cost them valuable time. eventually, Victor relents. He sounds defeated. This is the absolute worst thing you can do: When you are in this situation, you need to dig in and try to stay motivated, as hokey as it sounds. They climb back down the mountain and immediately see where they, and by “they” I mean “Victor,’ screwed up. They find the coffins and drag one down to the impaling stakes.

 

Victor impales a frame.

 

Victor, however, promptly loses one of the keys. This is now officially a comedy of errors.

Kisha and Jen arrive third, their best showing yet. They did Gypsy Moves, also. Seeing a pattern here?

Margie and Luke arrive fourth; they did the vampire task.

Mark and Michael, who did Gypsy Moves and Christie and Jodi, who did Vampire Remains, arrive outside of the Pit Stop simultaneously. They race to the mat, but Michael and Mark are a smidgen quicker than our flight attendants and are in fifth place. They congratulate Christie and Jodi, who look like they want to strangle the stuntmen. Heh.

Jaime and Cara: No. 7.

Here’s something I don’t care for on TAR: manipulative editing. The shows producers make it look like Brad and Victoria (remember them?) have a fighting chance, but they don’t. Tammy and Victor eventually finish the task and are Team No. 8. Victor cries at the mat. Let’s hope that this cranial-rectal inversion is a temporary condition and not the way Victor plans on running the race henceforth, or else he and his cute sister are toast.

Back to Brad and Victoria: The producers cruelly make them complete all the tasks. Usually when one team is so far behind that they haven’t a snowball’s chance in Hell of finishing anywhere but dead last, they will either tell them via clue “Proceed to the Pit Stop” so they can be mercifully eliminated, or they will send Phil out for a mercy kill. I recall that several seasons ago, Phil showed up to tell a team of stragglers who were in the middle of a Pit Stop that they were the last team and they were eliminated, so stop already (I’m paraphrasing). The team knew something was up because, hey, Phil just doesn’t drop by for no good reason.

So Brad and Victoria valiantly complete the vampire task, race to the Pit Stop… and then Phil kicks them off the show.

Next week: Walls come tumbling down.

Episode 2: “Your Target Is Your Partner’s Face”

This episode opens with several teams commenting on how impressed they were with Margie and Luke’s performance in the previous episode, in which they finished first. It’s nice, but it’s also somewhat condescending; they say things like, “Oh, they raced SO WELL,” which kind of proves that Luke’s paranoia about deaf people being underestimated was not entirely unfounded. 

We then are taken to the last Pit Stop, and host Phil Keoghan explains that teams are subjected to a mandatory 12-hour rest period between legs. Margie and Luke, who arrived at 2:56 p.m., will depart for the second leg at 2:56 a.m.

And the second leg will take our racers to Munich, Germany. I’ve actually been to Munich and it’s a beautiful city. But when they land, the teams will hop in cars and promptly leave the city, driving themselves to the village of Ruhpolding, where they’ll ride a cable car to the top of a mountain for the next clue.

Tammy and Victor are the next to depart. They wisely borrow the cabbie’s phone to call the airport and reserve tickets on the first flight to Munich, which happens to be on Swiss Air.

Mark and Michael leave next. “We’re running at 90 percent,” they crow. Yeah, that’s what you think.

Mel and Mike depart next; Mel reminds us that his groin muscle is still pulled. Thanks, Mel. Jaime and Cara are next to leave. Jaime is wearing a white knit cap with a black skull & crossbones motif. I might have a new TV girlfriend! 

The Louisville contingent, Kisha and Jen, depart next. Kisha says she sees Jen in the “little sister role.” Jen says, “She has to play the big sister role and it pisses me off.” Just FYI, these two will say the word “role” about 6,437 times this episode. 

Steve and Linda leave. Steve admits he was kind of a jackass toward Linda last episode, which he was.

All the teams are calling ahead to the airport and reserving seats on the Swiss Air flight — all except Mark and Michael. “Now it’s chill time,” says Mark. Ruh-roh!

“Germany has beer, so I hope there’s a beer challenge,” says Linda. That’s the spirit!

Meanwhile, back at the Pit Stop, Christie and Jodi leave. They, too, call ahead, but there is only one seat on the magic Swiss Air flight left, so they have to settle for Lufthansa, as do Mark and Michael. Who’s chilling now, guys?

The first plane, which carries everybody except the flight attendants and the stuntmen, lands. Kisha and Jen promptly get lost. Ruh-roh!

Tammy and Victor arrive at the cable car first. At the top of the mountain? Road Block! This one is called “Fly Like an Eagle.” One team member must paraglide off the side of a mountain while the remaining team member rides back down and waits in a designated area. But wait! If it’s too windy, paragliding is not an option. They can wait as long as they like for the wind to die down, or they can hike down the mountain. Can you say “foreshadowing?”

Meanwhile, Kisha and Jen are still lost. Jen is driving and rolls her eyes when Kisha gives directions. Ruh-roh!

Most of the teams are ready to paraglide but according to the high-tech windsock, the wind is too strong. Tammy immediately begins to hike down the mountain. Mel says, “I’m old, but I have to do some of these fun challenges,” so he suits up to paraglide. However, due to his pulled groin — wait, Mel’s groin is pulled? Why hasn’t he mentioned this before? — he says he will be unable to complete the hike down the mountain. 

But the wind is still too strong, and one by one, the teams begin hiking down the mountain.

Kisha and Jen arrive, finally. Jen suits up to paraglide. She fist-bumps Mel. “Make it happen, cap’n,” she tells him. Then she spots Mark and Michael. “It’s the mini-men,” she says. Heh.

The wind will not die down. “I guess I made a bad decision,” says Mel.

Everybody decides to take the trail, except Mel. AND THEN: the wind changes. It’s a TAR miracle! God bless us all!

Meanwhile, at the foot of the mountain, Tammy finishes her hike, which was more of a jog, She is perspiring a little. Just saying.

At the clue box, Tammy and Victor discover that teams must now drive 25 miles to Schonau am Konigssee to find the next clue.

Mel begins to paraglide. He loves it, enthusing about the scenery and the improbability of the situation. I like it when TAR contestants can take a minute to appreciate the scenery and not worry about the competitive aspect. America’s wonderful and all, but there’s a big world out there and we should try to see as much of it as we can. End PSA.

Meanwhile, Linda (who else?) gets lost on the path. SIGH.

Tammy and Victor arrive at the Detour. The choices are  Balancing Dolly or Austrian Folly. On Dolly, the teams will ride Segways through a two-mile obstacle course. On Folly, the teams will throw traditional Austrian pastries until they find one with a cherry filling. But there’s a twist…

Tammy and Victor choose Folly. When they arrive, the find out that they will be throwing pastries AT EACH OTHER’S FACES. Oh, the humanity! But Tammy and Victor dutifully start chucking pies at each other. It’s very messy, but thanks to their skill (or most likely, some judicious editing) they finish quickly and head off to find these weird little robots that saw little wooden discs which are stamped with the next clue. And that clue? Pit Stop ahoy, at Schloss Hellbrunn in Salzburg, Austria. Phil helpfully tells us that “Schloss” means “castle” in German. Last team to check in may be eliminated.

Back at the mountain, Linda is still lost. You know, she seems like she’s just as sweet as can be, but perhaps competitive reality TV is not her strong suit. Linda ends up near a highway. “Where the hell did I run to?” she yelps. Then she cries.

Kisha and Jen finish and head for the detour.

A kindly passerby takes pity on Linda and drives her (and her camera crew) back to the top of the mountain. They are so screwed.

Tammy and Victor arrive at the Pit Stop. Despite being caked in chunks of Bavarian pastry, Victor is quite perky and cheerful. Phil tells them they are team No. 1. “Have you guys seen how ridiculous you look?” Phil asks them. “You don’t think I look good?” Tammy counters, hand on hip, coquettish look on her face. I like to think the show’s editors read this blog and put that in as a shout-out to me.

Amanda and Kris do the Austrian Folly, or as Amanda calls it, the “Australian” folly. It’s still pretty messy, but Kris informs us that the “pie is actually delicious.” Mmm, pie.

Linda finally finishes hiking down the mountain. Mel and Mike ride the Segways.

Luke and his mom do the pies. Luke gets very impatient at the challenge, asking Margie if they can leave. Mom says no.

Kisha and Jen? Get lost again. They start sniping at each oher. Ruh-roh.

Margie is a better sport than Luke: She laughs, while Luke fumes.

Jaime and Cara ride the Segways, Kisha and Jen do the Segways, Mark and Michael do the Segways. Christie and Jodi pass Kisha and Jen and decide to do… the pies.

Mel and Mike have trouble entering Schloss Hellbrunn for the Pit Stop, but they eventually get some help and race to the mat. They are team No. 2.

Amanda and Kris are No. 3. Marge and Luke are No. 4. Brad and Victoria are No. 5.

Pies, Segways, wood. A title pops up onscreen: “14 Hours Since Race Start.”

Jaime and Cara are No. 6. Steve and Linda throw pies. Christie and Jodi get lost looking for the woodsawing robots.

Kisha and Jen get lost AGAIN. Dude, seriously. They pull over at a gas station for directions. Kisha gets out and Jen says, “She’s [expletive] pissing me off.” Jen! Language!

Kisha and Jen find the Pit Stop. They are team No. 7. Jen says, “I never thought this would be the most frustrating experience of my life. It’s mentally wearing me down.”

Mark and Michael are No. 8. Christie and Jodi are No. 9.

Steve and Linda are No. 10. Last. They are eliminated. Steve cries. But they still love each other! Hurray!

Kisha and Jen got more face time this episode, but it wasn’t very flattering, especially Jen’s exasperation with Kisha. Anybody who has siblings can probably relate, but Jen, baby: This is a race for $1 million. 

Next week: More racing, I guess.

Episode 1: “Don’t Let a Cheese Hit Me”

Hello, Race fans. WLKY.com Managing Editor Jay Ditzer here. I’ll be blogging about each episode of Season 14 of The Amazing Race.

I have been a fan of this show since its inception. I love the show’s concept: Eleven teams of two race around the world, completing various tasks and navigating foreign lands in the hope of winning $1 million.

I also love the fact that, unlike most other reality shows, there is no real social element to The Amazing Race, i.e., teams can’t form voting blocs or alliances to eliminate the competition. It’s skill and luck.

(And henceforth, The Amazing Race will be shortened to TAR on this blog.)

But enough about me! Season 14 opens at Los Alamitos Army Airfield in Orange County, Calif. Series host Phil Keoghan and his Arched Eyebrow of Doom introduce the new crop of contestants, which includes…

• Christie and Jodi, two flight attendants. One of them (I can’t tell them apart yet, sorry) says that they have an advantage because blondes can get away with murder in a foreign country. Try that out, sweetie, and have your lawyer give me a call. They give off a vibe as if they might believe they’re the hottest women ever. They are not even the hottest women on this season of TAR.
• Tammy and Victor, siblings and lawyers. Tammy is the hottest woman on this season, in case you were wondering. She and her brother Victor both went to Harvard. They seem like driven, competitive Type-A personalities, but likeable nonetheless.
• Margie and Luke, a mother and son. Luke is deaf, which could make things difficult for the team, but not as difficult as Luke seems to think. I’m not insensitive to the challenges he has certainly faced in life, but Luke has quite the martyr complex about his disability. Previous TAR seasons have featured a contestant with a prosthetic leg and a contestant who is a dwarf, so take a chill pill, Luke. Furthermore, there was a deaf contestant on Survivor a few years ago. Regardless, his mother seems much less prone to melodrama than Luke, and they make a likeable team.
• Steve and Laura, husband and wife. They’re from Virginia and they have been cast as this season’s resident hicks, a stereotype they embrace with good humor.
• Kisha and Jen, sisters. This team is why I’m blogging: They’re from Louisville! Hurray! Go locals! Former U of L athletes, they hope their athleticism will give them an advantage. We shall see.
• Preston and Jennifer, couple. They’re from South Carolina. They’re blandly attractive in that corn-fed, salt of the earth way.
• Brad and Victoria, husband and wife. Victoria says, “We are the bad-ass older couple.” A bad-ass older couple has never won TAR. Just saying. Also, if you have to call yourself “bad-ass,” it generally means you’re not bad-ass.
• Mel and Mike, father and son. Mel is a nondescript older gentleman while his son is a Hollywood screenwriter whose credits include School of Rock and the way disturbing Chuck and Buck. This could be interesting.
• Kris and Amanda, a dating couple. Two more blandly pretty people, this time from San Diego, this pair fits the Ken and Barbie stereotype, but so far, they seem — yes — likable enough.
• Mark and Michael, brothers. These guys are professional stuntmen who double for children in movies and TV. That’s right, they are somewhat diminutive. They seem to be pretty cool and funny.
• Jaime and Cara, friends. Former NFL cheerleaders, they both think that being a pretty woman is a near-insurmountable burden. Also not the hottest chicks on the show (Hi, Tammy!) but since I like redheads, I’ll give them a pass. For now.

Now that we’re familiar with our teams, Phil gives his standard season-opening speech about racing around the world and Road Blocks and Detours and Pit Stops and one million dollars. He says, “Good luck. Travel Safe. GO!” And they’re off!

First stop: Locarno, Switzerland. The teams race to a fleet of Mercedeses and head to LAX. They have two flights from which to choose. Half the teams, including Kisha and Jen, pick the Air France flight, which lands in Milan, while the rest choose the Lufthansa flight, which lands in Zurich. I have flown Lufthansa, and let me tell you, they know how to run an airline.

The Lufthansa flight arrives first; Air France second. In their respective cities, the contestants board trains for Locarno. Preston and Jennifer miss theirs. Brad, the bad-ass older gentleman, cries at Switzerland’s scenic beauty. All teams are looking for the Church of San Antonio, where they’ll sign up to depart for the next destination, the Verzasca Dam, which at 70 stories, just happens to be the world’s second-tallest bungee jumping site. Gee, I wonder what they’ll have to do there?

If you guessed “bungee jumping,” you’re right. This is what is known as a “Road Block” on TAR. It’s a task that only one team member has to perform. Everybody jumps (not at the same time). Christie and Jodi cry, because heights are scary. Jen from Team Louisville jumps. She screams very loudly. Everybody who jumps says, “Oh my God.” Repeatedly. Suspenseful music plays during the jump. SPOILER: Nobody dies.

After the jump, the teams race to Klein Rugen Weise in Interlaken to do what is known as a Detour in TAR lingo. This is a task both team members must participate in. Here, they must use antique cheese racks, climb a steep hill and transport 200 lbs. of cheese back downhill. The hill is slippery. Luke and Margie helpfully explain that it was muddy and covered in animal dung. Mel spends much of the climb describing his pulled groin muscles.

Turns out the cheese racks are pretty decrepit and fall apart on our teams, so most of them resort to carrying the 50-pound wheels or sliding them down the hill. Several wheels of cheese break loose and roll down the hill at speeds that can best be described as terrifying. The locals who work at the cheese factory laugh it up. Stupid Americans!

It should be noted that Steve from Virginia is constantly nagging and insulting his wife, who is having a hard time with all the running and physical exertion that TAR requires. One the one hand, haranguing your spouse while camera crews tape every last moment is probably not a smart idea. On the other hand, regular viewers of TAR know that the challenges can be very demanding, so what the hell was Laura thinking when she signed up for the show?

Anyway, when the teams finish their cheesy labors, they find out that they are to take a taxi to Stechelburg, for the Pit Stop, a.k.a., the part where the last team to arrive gets the boot.

It should also be noted that taxis are not provided to contestants. They have to hail them, talk to the drivers who may or may not speak English, and pay them. Some teams have lost significant leads because the livery gods were not smiling upon them.

Margie and Luke are the first team at the Pit Stop. In a nice gesture, Phil signs, “You are the first team to arrive.” Luke weeps as if he’s just won the entire thing, not the first leg. Pace yourself, dude.

Victor and my TV girlfriend Tammy arrive seconds later, and Mark and Michael seconds after them.

Mel and Mike arrive fourth; Amanda and Kris are fifth; Brad and Victoria are sixth; Jamie and Cara are seventh. Kisha and Jen are eighth — not a great showing, but not disastrous — and Steve and Linda are ninth. Phil gives them an eyebrow pop.

It’s down to Preston and Jennifer and Christie and Jodi. A footrace ensues, and Preston carries Jennifer piggyback, but to no avail. I guess all those years running to catch flights has paid of for the flight attendants because they snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.

Phil solemnly informs Preston and Jennifer that they have been eliminated. Jennifer cries because she thinks she let Preston down, but he assures her that she didn’t. He still loves her. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Kisha and Jen didn’t get a whole lot of face time this episode, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing this early. As it stands, Team Louisville could be described as pacing themselves. At this stage of the race, contestants can afford to take it easy, just as long as there are a few teams behind you. But they will definitely need to pick up the pace in the next two legs or else they’ll be eliminated, as well.

Next week: More racing, probably.

Please leave comments!