Episode 1: “Don’t Let a Cheese Hit Me”

Hello, Race fans. WLKY.com Managing Editor Jay Ditzer here. I’ll be blogging about each episode of Season 14 of The Amazing Race.

I have been a fan of this show since its inception. I love the show’s concept: Eleven teams of two race around the world, completing various tasks and navigating foreign lands in the hope of winning $1 million.

I also love the fact that, unlike most other reality shows, there is no real social element to The Amazing Race, i.e., teams can’t form voting blocs or alliances to eliminate the competition. It’s skill and luck.

(And henceforth, The Amazing Race will be shortened to TAR on this blog.)

But enough about me! Season 14 opens at Los Alamitos Army Airfield in Orange County, Calif. Series host Phil Keoghan and his Arched Eyebrow of Doom introduce the new crop of contestants, which includes…

• Christie and Jodi, two flight attendants. One of them (I can’t tell them apart yet, sorry) says that they have an advantage because blondes can get away with murder in a foreign country. Try that out, sweetie, and have your lawyer give me a call. They give off a vibe as if they might believe they’re the hottest women ever. They are not even the hottest women on this season of TAR.
• Tammy and Victor, siblings and lawyers. Tammy is the hottest woman on this season, in case you were wondering. She and her brother Victor both went to Harvard. They seem like driven, competitive Type-A personalities, but likeable nonetheless.
• Margie and Luke, a mother and son. Luke is deaf, which could make things difficult for the team, but not as difficult as Luke seems to think. I’m not insensitive to the challenges he has certainly faced in life, but Luke has quite the martyr complex about his disability. Previous TAR seasons have featured a contestant with a prosthetic leg and a contestant who is a dwarf, so take a chill pill, Luke. Furthermore, there was a deaf contestant on Survivor a few years ago. Regardless, his mother seems much less prone to melodrama than Luke, and they make a likeable team.
• Steve and Laura, husband and wife. They’re from Virginia and they have been cast as this season’s resident hicks, a stereotype they embrace with good humor.
• Kisha and Jen, sisters. This team is why I’m blogging: They’re from Louisville! Hurray! Go locals! Former U of L athletes, they hope their athleticism will give them an advantage. We shall see.
• Preston and Jennifer, couple. They’re from South Carolina. They’re blandly attractive in that corn-fed, salt of the earth way.
• Brad and Victoria, husband and wife. Victoria says, “We are the bad-ass older couple.” A bad-ass older couple has never won TAR. Just saying. Also, if you have to call yourself “bad-ass,” it generally means you’re not bad-ass.
• Mel and Mike, father and son. Mel is a nondescript older gentleman while his son is a Hollywood screenwriter whose credits include School of Rock and the way disturbing Chuck and Buck. This could be interesting.
• Kris and Amanda, a dating couple. Two more blandly pretty people, this time from San Diego, this pair fits the Ken and Barbie stereotype, but so far, they seem — yes — likable enough.
• Mark and Michael, brothers. These guys are professional stuntmen who double for children in movies and TV. That’s right, they are somewhat diminutive. They seem to be pretty cool and funny.
• Jaime and Cara, friends. Former NFL cheerleaders, they both think that being a pretty woman is a near-insurmountable burden. Also not the hottest chicks on the show (Hi, Tammy!) but since I like redheads, I’ll give them a pass. For now.

Now that we’re familiar with our teams, Phil gives his standard season-opening speech about racing around the world and Road Blocks and Detours and Pit Stops and one million dollars. He says, “Good luck. Travel Safe. GO!” And they’re off!

First stop: Locarno, Switzerland. The teams race to a fleet of Mercedeses and head to LAX. They have two flights from which to choose. Half the teams, including Kisha and Jen, pick the Air France flight, which lands in Milan, while the rest choose the Lufthansa flight, which lands in Zurich. I have flown Lufthansa, and let me tell you, they know how to run an airline.

The Lufthansa flight arrives first; Air France second. In their respective cities, the contestants board trains for Locarno. Preston and Jennifer miss theirs. Brad, the bad-ass older gentleman, cries at Switzerland’s scenic beauty. All teams are looking for the Church of San Antonio, where they’ll sign up to depart for the next destination, the Verzasca Dam, which at 70 stories, just happens to be the world’s second-tallest bungee jumping site. Gee, I wonder what they’ll have to do there?

If you guessed “bungee jumping,” you’re right. This is what is known as a “Road Block” on TAR. It’s a task that only one team member has to perform. Everybody jumps (not at the same time). Christie and Jodi cry, because heights are scary. Jen from Team Louisville jumps. She screams very loudly. Everybody who jumps says, “Oh my God.” Repeatedly. Suspenseful music plays during the jump. SPOILER: Nobody dies.

After the jump, the teams race to Klein Rugen Weise in Interlaken to do what is known as a Detour in TAR lingo. This is a task both team members must participate in. Here, they must use antique cheese racks, climb a steep hill and transport 200 lbs. of cheese back downhill. The hill is slippery. Luke and Margie helpfully explain that it was muddy and covered in animal dung. Mel spends much of the climb describing his pulled groin muscles.

Turns out the cheese racks are pretty decrepit and fall apart on our teams, so most of them resort to carrying the 50-pound wheels or sliding them down the hill. Several wheels of cheese break loose and roll down the hill at speeds that can best be described as terrifying. The locals who work at the cheese factory laugh it up. Stupid Americans!

It should be noted that Steve from Virginia is constantly nagging and insulting his wife, who is having a hard time with all the running and physical exertion that TAR requires. One the one hand, haranguing your spouse while camera crews tape every last moment is probably not a smart idea. On the other hand, regular viewers of TAR know that the challenges can be very demanding, so what the hell was Laura thinking when she signed up for the show?

Anyway, when the teams finish their cheesy labors, they find out that they are to take a taxi to Stechelburg, for the Pit Stop, a.k.a., the part where the last team to arrive gets the boot.

It should also be noted that taxis are not provided to contestants. They have to hail them, talk to the drivers who may or may not speak English, and pay them. Some teams have lost significant leads because the livery gods were not smiling upon them.

Margie and Luke are the first team at the Pit Stop. In a nice gesture, Phil signs, “You are the first team to arrive.” Luke weeps as if he’s just won the entire thing, not the first leg. Pace yourself, dude.

Victor and my TV girlfriend Tammy arrive seconds later, and Mark and Michael seconds after them.

Mel and Mike arrive fourth; Amanda and Kris are fifth; Brad and Victoria are sixth; Jamie and Cara are seventh. Kisha and Jen are eighth — not a great showing, but not disastrous — and Steve and Linda are ninth. Phil gives them an eyebrow pop.

It’s down to Preston and Jennifer and Christie and Jodi. A footrace ensues, and Preston carries Jennifer piggyback, but to no avail. I guess all those years running to catch flights has paid of for the flight attendants because they snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.

Phil solemnly informs Preston and Jennifer that they have been eliminated. Jennifer cries because she thinks she let Preston down, but he assures her that she didn’t. He still loves her. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Kisha and Jen didn’t get a whole lot of face time this episode, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing this early. As it stands, Team Louisville could be described as pacing themselves. At this stage of the race, contestants can afford to take it easy, just as long as there are a few teams behind you. But they will definitely need to pick up the pace in the next two legs or else they’ll be eliminated, as well.

Next week: More racing, probably.

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